What I REALLY want for my birthday…
In 5 months, I’m going to catch a birthday.
Now, if you know me, you know I have turned 21 a pathetic 4 times. I think the jig is up, people take one look at my receiding hair line and saggy boobs and know better.
Well this year, I’m going to actually live up to my real age…if you throw me a Quincenera.
So it wont really be a Quincenera, it will be a Veinticincera, but if anybody lets me down, I won’t ever come to any of your stupid birthday parties ever again and I’ll stay 21 for the rest of my life, I swear to God.
Which brings me to, what is not cool about having a Quincenera?
You get an awesome cupcakey dress with a tiara and flowers…
You get yer hurr all did……..
and all your best hoes…
….and all your best bros…
HAVE TO GIVE YOU STUFF AND DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!
I am so mad at my parents for being neither hispanic or catholic. This is what I’ve needed my whole life! Why else do you guys think I keep trying to get married? I’m in it for the cake, the dress, the presents and the karaoke.
Quincenera’s have other awesome radical perks though, like a Barbie Doll made in your likeness and pinatas! Oh and it’s totally okay to get hammered, hammered, hammered…after the religious portion of course.
This is my list of demands for my Veinticincera (I would just throw it myself but that’s tacky):
1. Michaela, Laura, Kristin and Mary shall be my hoes. Jay, Dan, Chacho Meza and Brendan BK will be my bros.
2. We play spin the bottle. And by “Spin the Bottle” I mean I get to pair off people and make them kiss each other for my own entertainment.
3. It will be DJ’ed with only songs that I think are awesome. Absolutely no Avril Lavigne or Pussy Cat Dolls.
4. Someone has to make me a funny cake.
5. I want a My Little Pony pinata. Only I want it to be a blue, obviously boy, pony someone has trannied out to look like transgendered pony.
6. My real date will be dressed like Michael Jackson when he was The King of Pop. I want sequins and shoulder pads.
7. I want really white trashy snacks. I spam hor’dourves, I want Chocodiles cut in half with little swords in them.
8. I will make my entrance to Barracuda by Heart.
9. A really hot mystery boy will crash my party by karaoking a Thin Lizzy song to me then running out the door with me to have hot lusty feel-ups all night through.
10. Someone else will clean all of this up.
That’s my idea. You all have 5 months to make it happen.
Until then I’m thinking of the one funny line from Tori Spellings show on VH1:
“I was gonna have my Quincenera at McDonalds!”
