Still Life with Karate

I DON'T believe in Cody Miller Christiansen.

I don’t.

I fully denounce any notion that this is a real person who actually exists anywhere but in the hearts of a handful of fancy boys who run ‘round the Dakotas.

I don’t care what my boyfriend and Kris Schmidt and their small collection of rag-tag fauxmo sexuals of the Black Hills have to say, “Cody Miller Christiansen” is imaginary. Rightfully so, I have to applaud them for their tactic of employing techniques you use in 4th grade when you’re trying to make new friends.

“One of my friends invented Crystal Pepsi!”

“Shut up. No way. You’re a liar.”

“No seeeeriously! Then he got arrested at a Journey concert for rocking out too hard and Steve Perry had to bail him out and sign a affidavit even!”

“Whatever. If this really happened, then what’s your friend’s name?”

“Easy! His name is Cody Miller!”

“I thought you said his name was Cody Christiansen earlier?”

“Ummm it IS! His name is Cody Miller Christiansen and he rides a velaciraptor with a banana seat to school everyday and eats a handful of bottle rockets for lunch!”

C’mon guys. Jan Brady did that shit a billion years ago when she pieced together George Glass so she wouldn’t look like such a loser. The part that surprises me is the fact that all of them use the same rouse.

Anytime any outrageous claim is made it’s: Cody Miller Christiansen did it.

“Nice tattoo”

“Thanks Cody Miller Christiansen did it with a guitar string and Axl Rose’s blood.”

This guy has:

• been wanted in every state
• is so cool he will deny he is Cody Miller Christiansen
• been smooth voice of your mobile phones voice dial command
• lives simultaneously in Las Vegas, North Korea and Los Angeles
• made one of TV’s top most memorable moments in history
• as mentioned before, was arrested for rocking out to hard at a concert
• starred in any outlandish acts of drunken tomfoolery you can imagine

All of the aforementioned reasons add up to my firm stance that Cody Miller Christiansen is a hoax. I will need a valid driver’s license, a high five and verbal confirmation to sway me even in the slightest from this rigid school of thought.

*any and all digital forms of confirmation will be investigated until proven to be one of the several busy bodied boys who have dedicated their lives to propelling their imaginary friend to these legendary proportions.

**any further claims to have ‘met,’ ‘shot a manatee with,’ ‘tie-dyed a shirt with,’ or ‘once share a very special night’ with Cody Miller Christiansen will be considered for entertainment purposes and thus discounted. He’s pretend. Deal with it.

It's a Magical Night for a Duct Tape Prom.

I want to meet the very FIRST person who was like “Hmmm…if the Babylon5 Marathon is on Friday night and my fave cosplay site doesn’t update until Sunday night I guess Saturday night I can go to Prom…but only if I go covered in Duct Tape.”

Some of this stuff is really impressive don’t get me wrong, but what I can’t get over is how these people smell. You ever smell duct tape? You wouldn’t forget if you had.

Band Tape

American Tape

But how does that Dragon stay on his pants? That’s all I’ve got. It’s amazing.

Soda. Puppy Shampoo. Duct Tape. ADIDAS Flip-Flops. These girls gonna party.

Over Achiever.

Duct Tape is not an acceptable method of birth control. She looks pregged. Or else it was all the Mountain Dew that gots her all bloated.

Her labia will be missing when the duct tape is over and the sandals come off.

Hi! Tell me about you!

I was firmly against enabling comments on my blog. For the reason it’s MY blog. If you don’t like it, I don’t want to spend any of my precious time arguing with you as to whether Clarissa Explains It All is cooler than Roundhouse, or if Danny Cooksey was an extra in Three Ninjas.

Until today when my I had a 92% spike in viewers staying for over a minute. Bots don’t stay that long do they? That’s a lot of peeping for one day!

According to my google analytics, I am getting some serious face time from some serious random places. So we’ll start here:

Hi! My name is: _________ and I’m part of the __ hits from ____________!

Please mystery folks, I’m especially curious about:

Hi! My name is: _____________ and I’m part of the 6 hits from Dallas, TX!

Hi! My name is: _____________ and I’m part of the 11 hits from Midvale, UT!

Hi! My name is: Shawn and Holly and I’m the 10 hits from Spearfish, SD!

Hi! My name is: _________ and I’m part of the  5 hits from Rapid City, SD!

Hi! My name is: Jamie and I’m part of the 3 hits from Indianola, IA!

Hi! My name is: _________and I’m part of the 3 hits from Billings, MT!

Hi! My name is: _________ and I’m part of the 2 hits from Seattle, WA!

Hi! My name is: The Ghost of JTT and I’m part of the 2 hits from Hollywood, CA!

Hi! My name is: Black Hair and I’m part of the 3 hits from Portland, OR!

Hi! My name is: Holy Holly and I’m part of the 2 hits from Athens, GA!

Hi! My name is: _________ and I’m part of the 4 hits from Auburn, GA!

Hi! My name is: _________ and I’m part of the 4 hits from GrandJunction,CO!

Hi! My name is: _________ and I’m part of the 2 hits from Littleton, CO!

Hi! My name is: poopoopeepee show and I’m part of the 8 hits from NYC!

Hi! My name is: _________ and I’m part of the 15 hits from Republican, WY!

Hi! My name is: Miles? Maybe and I’m part of the 2 hits from Boogers, AK!

Hi! My name is: _________ and I’m part of the 3 hits from Treviso, Italy!

Hi! My name is: _________ and I’m part of the 2 hits from Kizuki, Japan!

Hi! My name is: _________ and I’m part of the 4 hits from Dollard-des-Ormeaux, Canada!

Okay, now fill in the blanks on my handy new commenty thingy!

Enjoy this intro from Potatohead Kids in Spanish!

Get out of my Element Cosplayers!

So Leeloo Dallas could be the hottest Sci-Fi character ever imagined…dressing like Leeloo does not make you Milla Jovovich. Anytime you need a little thinspiration, google Milla Jovovich. To make yourself puke out the Oreos and Pepsi you just shoved down your gullet, google “Leeloo Dallas Cosplay.” leeloo up in da club leeloo wif gof. fat leeloo leelooser. Ass, Grass or Multi-pass, not even leeloo’s gonna ride fo free. Ummmm that’s a pretty good Leeloo. NO LEELOO! NO! Them is big thighs! Tattoos and low boobs.

****EDIT! i just realized you can see pubes on “pretty good Leeloo” Leepube.

The Cardinal Sin of Dating.

So I have this boyfriend now.

We like to do little cute things like text each other and shave his straggles into biker facial hair. We are that creepy couple that lives in one of those Vin diagrams where all of the inside jokes intersect. You know, that couple you can’t really even hang out with because in mid-conversation they’re like “Oh snap honey, smiggle’s is catchin’ around here!” Then they have one of those private laughs with their eyes and apologize for having their own weird language they made up during the whole 2 weeks they’ve been locked in their houses watch She’s All That and making out.

Those couples suck.

Until you’re part of one of those duos. Then you realize you don’t really give a shit one way or the other. Nothing’s going to matter but laughing at smiggles together, you don’t even have the capacity to understand you’re grossing everyone out.

Yes. New boyfriend.

One of the things ladies are supposed to learn from How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days starring Miss Kate Hudson is that guys feel cornered by commitment. The worst thing you can do is jump the gun. I’ve watched this movie twice in the 7 years it’s been out, thus absorbing the message fully…then flagrantly choosing to deny it’s logic this evening upon finding these two websites.

The first of which being a website for and by codependent girls who will sit in front of it and cry, or worse yet, actually feel the need to morph themselves with Zac Ephron “just in case.”

I had a friend like this when I was a teenager. She was a big girl. She was morbidly obese but pretty in the face, smart, really fun in general. Had she lived on our plain of reality she surely could have snagged that boyfriend she pined and toiled over. Her real problem was she refused to get a crush on a boy any less than the sexiest Zack Morris looking senior with a girlfriend already. This girl would call these boys (at their parents houses on landlines, mind you this was the 90’s) no less than 20 times a day.

They would never answer of course, so she would wait until the weekend and show up at the game, a dance etc. then public cry and hurl love letters and sob out confessions of unrequited love.

It didn’t workout for her. Ever.

What I’m getting at, is I know a thing or two about how to freak boys out.

From there

So like I was saying, I’ve got this boyfriend. I took him over to my parents house. I took him to a stranger’s wedding. I took him to the bar with my parent’s friends. I’ve made him a sock monkey. I’ve convinced him to let me give him a manicure. I made him watch Hairspray. Nothing phases this guy.

Tonight I saw an ‘in.’

Tonight I found a website which uses photographs of couples to deduce:

The facial features of any future offspring!

www.makemebabies.com Even the name has psycho-codependent-girl-who-collects-Beanie-Babies written all over it. If you get a chance to visit this website, please read the comments on some of the “photos” all of these things look like little CG old men. They’re creepy and kind of disgusting like Baby Feel So Real, but I wanted one anyway because I just couldn’t stop myself.

I started out with a couple of standard headshots ripped off of our respective social networking sites:

From there, I had to do some downloading and some cropping and such then push the button to morph us into our hypothetical child.

I guess the part that really made it special for me was the little hour glass that reminding me as our image was being produced “One moment, a baby only takes about 9 months!”

The image didn’t take 9 months, but disappointed me by looking relatively normal. I wish I would have named her JonBenet instead of Shawkara.

After a long labour of fifteen minutes of strenuous photogenerating, I figured I would really see what Makemebabies could do. I uploaded a couple of our more glamorous photos featuring extreme eyebrow concepts and interesting facial angles, like this:

I used Papa John’s philosophy of quality; “Better ingredients, better pizza.” “Better photos, foxier baby.” and upon the arrival of baby Batman Weasley, I saw the error in my thought process.

All babies are MIRACLES. MIRACLES! Even the little ugly babies. Well my baby fever had worn off with the boner-kill Baby Batman had shaped up to be. But I wasn’t ready to hang up my fun-pants just yet. I got to thinking about adolescent amalgamations, which ultimately led me to morphthing.com

Enter our grown children:

Our LaCrosse playing big faced Marla Hooch Ladyboy. Annnnnnd….

Our polygamous sect Mormon daughter from the 80’s.

I was so excited by all of my hardwork and a job well done, I’ve wasted no time in posting all of these marvelous faux genetic conglomerations on the wall of his Facebook so all of his friends and family members can marvel at our perfection.

Such a beautiful family to live together in perfect harmony inside the internet. *sigh*

This ladies, is how you tell a boy you’re ready to get serious.

Yep.

“GELFLING MAGIC SENDS WOMEN INTO HYSTERICAL PREGNANCIES ACROSS THE NATION”

DOUGLAS- You may think Kara Dalton is your typical small town girl livin’ in a lonely world…but you would be wrong. Kara has a secret magic just beneath her freckles and veneers. Kara has harnessed her ancestral birthright of Gelfling Magic into her social networking site.

“I knew I had really begun tapping into my Gelfling heritage last week. I had just changed my ‘Relationship Status’ on my Facebook when BLAM! Girls started saying they were pregnant!” Dalton says.

You see, Gelflings are known to send what are technically known as Love Vibrations through whatever they touch. Druid adviser Lolanan Foote believes Kara’s excitement over her new romantic endeavor caused her elation to become quantified into tiny fragments of adoration which went whizzing into cyberspace causing at least one false pregnancy as soon as her relationship status was officially changed.

It should be noted that Gelfling magic can, in fact, unknowingly impregnate someone. False pregnancies or “Lies” are a result of the Love Vibrations carrying though a given medium then becoming absorbed by someone with a lack of mental agility or moral fiber.

Dalton who is a Birthing Doula by trade giggled at our suggestion of intentionally sending out Love Vibrations in order to drum up business.

“Oh Lord! No way! I have a real aversion to chewed up Bacony Butterflies! It was just some Felonious Flesh Mattress on hallucinogens anyway and I’ve met my quota for pro-bono this year.”

A heartwarming quote by the last of a magical kind. Happy Holidays.

I don't want to reblog it...

…but go read Glitterpie and look at the pictures. By promoting them, I’m actually promoting myself because I blurbed the hell out of the last week.

Love me. I’m selfish.